What If
by unique.and.proud
Summary: Angsty Jibbs song fic, What If by Kate Winslet. Jenny reminisces about her past with Gibbs and wonders if it could ever have been any different.


A/N: What If - Kate Winslet, from Christmas Carol: The Movie (2001). Thanks to Olivia who beta'd this for me. Please R&R, I'd really love to know what you think :)

* * *

**_Here I stand alone  
With this weight upon my heart  
And it will not go away _**

**_In my head I keep on looking back  
Right back to the start  
Wondering what it was that made you change_**

Director Jenny Shepard stood on the catwalk, leaning over slightly, her hands latched onto the railing. She watched as the people below went about their daily early morning tasks; some were chatting happily, others looked liked they'd just rolled out of bed, most had a coffee cup in their hands, but they all seemed totally unaware of her gaze. Her eyes were drawn suddenly to the man that had just walked out of the elevator, omnipresent coffee cup in his hand. She felt the butterflies in her stomach and her heart skip a beat as it always did. He turned unexpectedly to look up at her, his piercing blue eyes boring into hers. She met his stare and suddenly they were locked in a silent battle of wills as they both fought to be the last to look away. Her eyes were prickling and her brain was demanding that she blinked. The noise in the bullpen had dimmed slightly and everyone else had blurred into the background: it was just him and her. She felt exposed and vulnerable, but still she couldn't look away. She saw Tony approach him, a file in one hand and his bag in the other, and as he turned to face his agent she breathed out a sigh of relief and retreated back into her office without another glance.

_**Well I tried  
But I had to draw the line  
And still this question keeps on spinning in my mind**_

She picked up the bottle of bourbon and poured herself a generous glass. Her hands were trembling slightly and she still felt unnerved; she hated that he could still make her feel that way, after all these years he still has that same power over her. She carefully placed the glass on the desk as a sudden flood of memories swamped her. She slumped into her chair and allowed them to take over as she settled down, her arms crossed onto her desk and her head gently cushioned on them. After a few minutes, she stubbornly shook her head trying to rid the images of them together hand in hand walking down the peaceful lamp lit street, of them lying in bed, his arms wrapped around her waist pulling her close, of him kissing her gently but passionately underneath the starlit sky. They wouldn't disperse and she had to question why they had suddenly crept up on her. Why she'd let her guard down and let them in again after she'd tried so hard to forget. He was a different person now, he'd changed, and she couldn't help but wonder if that was because of her. _And don't forget you've changed too _her inner voice added unhelpfully.

_**What if I had never let you go  
Would you be the man I used to know  
If I'd stayed  
If you'd tried  
If we could only turn back time  
But I guess we'll never know**_

She thought about the day she'd left him. It had been one of the hardest things she'd ever had to do. He'd been ordered back to DC, she had been given the opportunity to run a section in Europe. It was a good opportunity for her; she was a woman in a man's world and she needed every break she could catch. She'd hoped he'd understand but knew in her heart of hearts that he wouldn't, that he couldn't, and she doubted that had their positions been reversed that she'd have been anymore accepting. She'd stuck to her five point plan and he hadn't been a part of that, but it hadn't meant that leaving him hadn't broken her heart. She sighed as she turned to look out of the window and to the magnificent view in front of her; she marvelled at how far she'd come, how much she'd achieved but it had been at the cost of losing him. She traced her finger around the rim of the glass and wondered why he hadn't fought for her to stay with him. She had loved him and although he'd never said the words aloud she knew from the way his eyes lit up and crinkled at the corners and that beautiful smile that graced his lips when he saw her that maybe in spite of himself he loved her too. She hadn't known about Shannon and Kelly then. When she'd found out it had explained a lot, maybe it explained that too. Maybe it had just been easier to let her go.

_**Many roads to take  
Some to joy  
Some to heart-ache  
Anyone can lose their way  
And if I said that we could turn it back  
Right back to the start  
Would you take the chance and make the change**_

She wondered if given her time over, knowing what she knew now, if she'd still make that same choice. She'd never felt the same way about anyone else that was for sure. Nobody had ever had the power to make her so mad yet feel so loved and secure at the same time, the way he had. She chuckled to herself as she remembered the countless times their fiery tempers had led to the argument getting out of hand as objects were smashed across the room, insults flung in every direction, doors slamming shuddering the very foundations of the building they were in only to end up moments later in each other's arms, kissing hungrily, hands skimming across skin and fumbling with buttons and belts as they made then way haphazardly towards the bed. She was lost in thought as she considered what she would choose given a second chance.

_**Do you think how it would have been sometimes  
Do you pray that I'd never left your side**_

She continued to stare out of the window, the morning light shining bright, catching the dewdrops still caught in the grass causing tiny shimmering rainbows all around. Her mind wondered back to him and those beautiful blue eyes; she had never tired of gazing into those eyes, even when they had darkened in anger and his temper was brewing she still hadn't been able to tear her gaze away. She wondered if he ever had thoughts like this. On lonely nights down in his basement working on his boat, if he ever relived the past and speculated over what could have gone differently, different words he could have said, all the times he could have called and didn't, if when the time had come he had fought harder for her and not let her go. She doubted it. He wasn't that kind of person, but then neither was she - unless he was involved it seemed. For him the past was in the past. He was right, what was done was done and there was nothing she could do to change what she had done back then: it was a lifetime ago.

_**What if I had never let you go  
Would you be the man I used to know  
If I'd stayed  
If you'd tried  
If we could only turn back time  
But I guess we'll never know**_

She sat down in her chair leaned back, stretching her muscles, her eyes fluttering closed as her head touched the back of the chair. She shook her body before pulling the pile of files on her desk closer to her. She had work to do. She couldn't sit and reminisce about the past all day. She hadn't got this far and sacrificed so many things in the process just to lose her grip and slide away. She tried to focus on the words printed on the case file folder but she couldn't focus. Her mind just wouldn't let go. She stood up in anger and paced her office a few times. She stopped abruptly at her desk, snatching up her glass before downing the amber liquid within it. She smiled as she felt the slow burn of the alcohol as it made its way down her throat. She stood stock still, turning the glass over and over in her hands as still the memories flooded her brain. Her body was alive and electric with emotions and she felt like the room was spinning. She laid the glass down, keeping her hands flat on the table supporting her weight as she breathed in deeply. She had to regain control of herself; she had to let the past be just that.

_**If only we could turn the hands of time  
If I could take you back would you still be mine**_

She returned back to her chair and slowly eased herself down. She picked up the pen and placed it between her pursed lips, closed her eyes one more time before looking down at the file on her desk again. She flicked open to the first page and had barely made her way through the first few lines before her door was flung open and the man that consumed her thoughts was standing in front of her. Clearly angry about something. He stood in stony silence and she merely looked at him, not quite meeting his eyes, trying to remain composed. She had never expected to win him back when she'd breezed back into his life, but at times she couldn't help but hope that he would forgive her and let her back into his arms, the only place she'd ever felt she truly belonged. She wondered what he would do if she gave in to the overwhelming urge she had to kiss him right now as he stood towering above her, his face bent downwards hovering just above hers as he leaned against the desk.

_**'Cos I tried  
But I had to draw the line  
And still this question keeps on spinning in my mind**_

She could smell his familiar scent. So individual to him. The lingering smells of sawdust and something so uniquely Gibbs she just couldn't place a finger on it. She could feel his breath warm against her skin and forced herself to tilt her head and look up to meet his eyes. She opened her mouth to speak, but when the words she was searching for didn't come she closed her lips, acutely aware that he was watching her every move, his eyes trained on her face. The anger in his eyes softened suddenly and she was taken aback as she realized that they now held concern. _Concern for her?_ He cocked his head to the side, his eyes swivelling almost imperceptibly to the glass on the desk between them before he shifted his gaze back up to her. In that moment she wished she could tell him everything. Tell him that she was sorry she had left; sorry she had had to make that choice. She wanted to let him know that despite what he had thought she had loved him. There was so much she wanted to tell him, but once again the words failed her and she could only watch on in her continuing silence as he reluctantly eased himself up from the desk, sighing slightly before turning on his heel and walking out of her office. As the door closed behind him, she closed her lids against the tears that had formed, glazing her eyes, and pinched the bridge of her nose willing them not to overspill and trace down her cheeks. She wasn't sure how long had passed before the tears subsided and the tension in her body ebbed away. The memories were fading back into the locked away compartment of her mind and she determinedly picked up the file in front of her for the umpteenth time that morning. The last memory, of her running her fingers up and down his back before settling around his waist as she reached up to whisper those three simple words into his ear as he slept soundly beside her, swirled around inside her head as she stared at the door and she suddenly realized that it was too late, too late to make a difference, too late to tell him she had loved him, too late to tell him she still did.

_**What if I had never let you go  
Would you be the man I used to know  
What if I had never walked away  
'Cos I still love you more than I can say  
If I'd stayed  
If you'd tried  
If we could only turn back time  
But I guess we'll never know  
We'll never know**_


End file.
